*** This article may be a trigger if you have lost a pet. Stop reading if you have to, put it down and come back later when your heart nudges you for that little bit more. Let the tears flow if they have to, they’ll join the ones I’ve shed as I wrote this. Take what your heart needs from this article, and please listen to your heart if you’re not ready to read it.***
We have all felt it as those paws set that imprint on our hearts when we meet for the first time. That bond that develops as we take them home, settle them in, and learn their every adorable quirk and habit. Even as that bond grows, we have that little bit of dread of the day we have to let them go, have them leave our lives, but not our hearts. However our pets leave us, by accident, passing away on their own, or by your loving choice to ease their pain and suffering, it wrecks us. We grieve for our beloved pets, our friends and fur-babies.
“Grief I’ve learned is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot.
All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes,
the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go” - Jamie Anderson
If you have been following Toes and Tails Wellness for a while, you have enjoyed posts of our spunky Springer Spaniel, Thea. As I write this, Facebook is reminding me that 6 years ago today, February 22, I picked up an adorable black and white bundle of love and my heart was imprinted by her paws. Just four months ago, I had my heart torn apart around that same paw print when I had to choose euthanasia to ease her laboured breathing due to a right-sided heart enlargement we discovered earlier in the spring. While Thea isn’t the first pet I’ve outlived, I’m more aware of the pain of her being gone as an adult, and as a parent of twins who have imprinted my heart as well!
Our family and friends want to help us in our grief, but may not fully understand, or are grieving in their own way. Then we also have our other pets who cause us worry, as they notice the absence and the subsequent behaviour changes of their household, and begin to show their signs of stress or grief.
I’m sure many of you have scrolled and searched through Pinterest and other areas of the internet as I did, trying to find ways to soothe the ache in your heart. Nothing quite does the trick, does it? You take bits and pieces of the things you scroll through and begin to heal. And so, I’m hoping that you might find a little healing here for your heart, as I work on healing my own.
The stages of grief have been “standardized” into the following: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance; but each heart’s journey through them is different. I’m also adding the presence of Guilt as it has been a constant antagonist in my grief journey, making appearances in each stage. Unfortunately, we don’t always progress smoothly through each stage. Sometimes we bounce around, back and forth, as we travel this emotional rollercoaster. It's not a linear process. Take what resonates with you as we explore each stage.
The Grief Journey:
Denial
We don’t want to admit that our pet is gone. We still feel them in the house, expect to see them as we open the door or come around the corner. We don't want to accept that this change has occurred and it’s final. As a veterinary technician, I saw many of my clients begin this stage when they received the news that the disease was terminal, or when they realized that treatment was too extensive to justify the ordeal their pet would go through. Denial protects us from the loss and will diminish as we begin to acknowledge what has happened, or what will happen.
Anger
As we grieve we go from denial it to anger. Anger at our pet for leaving so abruptly, for hurting us so badly. Anger at the vet and their staff, who should have done more, even though you know they offered everything they could. Anger at our friends and family members, who want so much to help and understand us but have no way of knowing the bond you shared with your pet and how it affects you. Of course, there’s the anger at ourselves as guilt begins to gnaw at us. “I could have done more” or “we should have gone to the vet sooner”, and all of the other versions which start spiraling through our minds. It takes time to acknowledge that you did what you could at that moment. Circumstances may have been in your control, or not at all. As hard as it is, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and use this energy to move through that seemingly impenetrable wall of grief. Don’t let anger fester inside you, or guilt goad you further.
Bargaining
We will bargain with ourselves, our higher power, our pet’s spirit, or whatever we feel may have the ability to bring our pet back, to bring our life back to normal, to ease this ache in our heart. “I’ll walk Thea everyday, if I can have more time with her!” “She can sleep on the bed, I just want to snuggle longer with her.” Guilt again makes its presence known here. Acknowledge it, and the bargains we want to make. They can be a promise to ourselves we’ll do better! Keep those bargains in mind when the next paw prints begin to touch your heart.
Depression
It hurts… so much. The tears will flow, the ache feels overwhelming. Every puppy/kitten video that made you snort with laughter now brings unexpected tears. Pictures, like Facebook Memories, will pop up unexpectedly, trigger memories, and the feelings of loss will feel devastating. Hiding away from the world and all of the reminders may seem like the best thing to do, and it might be for a time, but then you lose out on joy those memories can bring. Yes, it hurts, but it hurts because you have the love in those memories! The love that is creating this pain also created that bond and it needs to be treasured.
Acceptance
The ache is less, the tears flow less often, the funny animal videos begin to make you laugh again. You may begin to consider another pet, knowing it cannot replace the one who left, but also needing to share the love you have to give! Guilt will niggle at your mind, trying to pull you back into your grief. Unexpectedly, you realize that the rawness around that pawprint on your heart has eased a bit. Healing is beginning.
Everyone’s Journey is Different
Remind yourself that you’re not crazy, you loved your pet, you had that bond with them. You’ll go through the stages as you need to, there’s no “proper” way to grieve. Our friends and family may not understand it exactly as we are feeling it, and we cannot fully comprehend their intent and feelings as they had their own bond with you and your pet, and will grieve in their way.
Since we know we bond with our animals; love them, and know we are loved in return; we cannot be surprised that our pets will grieve as well. This can present as changes in behaviour, such as yowling, or searching for the missing pet. You may want to leave some of the usual items in place for a while, like bedding, or toys. You will need to judge for yourself what works best; sometimes all the reminders need to be removed. Monitor decreases and increases in appetite, and your possible over compensation with treats! If changes in appetite, urination and defecation are causing worry, consult your veterinarian. If it will ease your mind, book your pet a physical exam. Your veterinary team will understand - they have grieved over their own pets and their patients too!
Helping the Healing
Healing is a process which takes time, and is unique to each heart. Each of the pawprints on our hearts will need their time to heal. I have found a few things that helped as I witnessed clinic clients, family, and friends grieve the loss of their pets, and I have searched for more ways since Thea passed away. I hope you can find a bit of healing in the list below
Purr-therapy and Paw-therapy is real - we all know it as pet owners, so dose yourself accordingly! Spend more time with the pets still with you, borrow a friend's dog for a walk, curl up with a cat. The snuggles will do both your hearts good. It’s okay if you cry while you do it.
Give those memories a place! Create a shadow box with the collar, pictures, and quotes. Plant a tree or a flower to mark their place in your heart and home. Make a memory book to relive the joy and the love in those moments. Write stories about them, or send letters to your pet and tell them how much you miss them. Release your grief with some creative flow - you’ll be amazed at the tribute you will create.
Talk to other pet owners. Many of us have lost our pets, and understand how much it hurts, how much we miss them. When you’re ready to talk about the memories, reach out to those crazy animal loving friends you have - they’ll catch you in a hug or offer their pets for therapy sessions! I have to give a shout out to my Oliver Amateur Radio Club crew, who surprised me in their understanding and camaraderie when we discuss losing our pets.
Make a donation in your pet’s name. This is also a great way for family and friends to heal their grief and help you feel better too. Donate to a pet rescue or adoption agency local to you, specific to your pet’s breed, or another reason close to your heart. I had friends donate to the Western College of Veterinary Medicine, surprising me when a letter from the Dean’s office arrived. Besides being the vet school I dreamed of attending in university, it also made me feel so good that Thea’s memory was going to benefit other animals! So much love in that little action.
Take time to take care of yourself. Book a massage, a reiki session, or time for a walk by yourself. Do what you must to to ensure that you are healthy enough to allow yourself to heal.
Essential Oils and Crystals to support
Use your essential oils to support all the emotions and the health of all the toes and tails in your home. You can use essential oils in a diffuser, apply topically with appropriate dilution, and even use internally when appropriate. I choose doTERRA essential oils, as I trust the quality and testing that the oils have been through. Always ensure you’re using pure, tested essential oils for your therapeutic use. If you have questions about using essential oils around your pets safely, reach out to me for a consultation or a group class to address those concerns. I’m always happy to teach an online class, or get together if you’re local to me!
A few of my essential oil favourites have been:
Frankincense. While calming your emotions, it supports your body at the cellular level, boosting your immune system, and moving your body back towards balance. It also eases that transition between life and death, making it the choice to have in your diffuser when it's time to say goodbye.
doTERRA Console Blend is an aromatic hug for loss. It is a sweet, musky scent, with a hint of floral notes that wrap around you to promote feelings of comfort.
Lavender or doTERRA Serenity Blend. Both of these oils help promote calm, ease anxiety and draw you into sleep. You need to sleep to heal, so when it seems out of reach, utilize one of these to help.
doTERRA Balance. A blend to help you ground yourself. When you feel you’re going to be washed away in the feelings, take a deep breath with a drop of Balance in your palms, rub it over your heart or on the bottoms of your feet. Feel the emotions, but also stay rooted in the love that created them.
Citrus oils: Lemon, Grapefruit, Lime, Wild Orange, or pick your favourite. Citrus oils uplift your mood. Use them to clean the house, give you a pick me up (or kick in the pants if that’s what you need) and let the brightness back into your life!
doTERRA Adaptiv blend. This blend is designed to help with anxiety, yet keep you focussed. When you can’t go hide in bed because you need to function and keep your emotions under control, this is the blend to use!
Choose some crystals to help you! Besides being beautiful to look at, crystals can increase your vibrations, offer you a focus point for meditation, or be a physical reminder of a memory. I found an adorable egg-shaped Rainbow Moonstone just after losing Thea, and it’s black and white colors with hints of iridescent rainbows remind me of her.
Here’s four basic crystals to consider, but you can also choose one not on this list that speaks to your heart:
Rose Quartz: This pink crystal promotes love and an open mind to allow you to move forward. Known as the love stone or the heart healer.
Apache Tears: A black, clearer form of Obsidian that supports and grounds you as you move through your grief.
Amethyst: A protective, peace-promoting, purple crystal.
Smokey Quartz: A brown tinted crystal that encourages grounding and absorbs negativity.
Toes and Tails Wellness is about utilizing natural wellness options in your home, and grief has been a tough teacher of how I can incorporate the oils and crystals I love into my healing, and the healing of all the toes and tails in my household. The cycle of grief has its stages, a journey different for each of us, but there are options to try that can support your heart’s journey. The beauty of these natural options is that if one doesn’t help, it hasn’t hurt either, and you have more options to explore to customize your healing experience!
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My name is Nina Munckhof, and I am Toes and Tails Wellness!
When my twins were born in 2015, I went on maternity leave from my 14 year career as a Registered Veterinary Technician. Educating clients about their pet's health and wellness needs was a highlight of my job, and I was going to miss it! In my new career as a mom, I wanted alternative options to household cleaners, leading me to discover doTERRA! The physical, mental and emotional support that these oils have provided my family is amazing. Educating about the safe use of doTERRA's Certified Pure Tested Grade essential oils is enabling me to combine my veterinary experience and love of animals with this passion for essential oils!
As a veterinary technician, I cannot diagnose health issues or prescribe medications. My goal is to educate about safe use of essential oils on our pets and work with you, and your veterinarian, to provide supportive therapies. Please private message me if needed, and I will be more than happy to assist you!
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